to the man who taught me how to love life again

wp-1462363425337.jpgwhen we first met, i was a wreck, bits and pieces of the old me, strewn everywhere. i lost my confidence, my will. i am just going through life routinely, like a mundane task i have to finish everyday. I locked myself in a cage, where nobody can reach. On the outside, it would look like i got myself together, that my pain is gone, and i am moving on. But the past was just hidden from the world, when i am alone with my thoughts, it was like a hole i dug up for myself, and i return to it every time. I was a wreck and nobody notices.   The first time we talked, i was just, okay, he’ll do. you were just somebody to pass the time away with. You were simply that until, i found myself waiting, anticipating our talks, making time for it almost everyday. What was once my pastime, became my happy time, my time to say everything. How i am feeling, how i am seeing myself, what i want, what i am missing. minutes have turned to hours, hours into days, days into weeks and months. you have been the only thing that’s constant in my life, your youthfulness is contagious, your zest, your vitality. you have an innocent way about you that has made me feel youthful and energized. it would have been better, it would have lasted, we would have counted years, but i wore my heart on my sleeve, and you saw through everything. it may not have lasted, it may not have worked out. but you gave me a glimpse of how i can still be happy, how to love myself again, and how to take and face life with a smile. you taught me how to live. you gave me the best gift anyone can ever give and that is yourself. by showing me vulnerability, you taught me courage, by showing me happiness, you taught me to see things in a new light. i may have been nobody in my world, but with you, i feel like  i am somebody.

i have been through the worst and now, i know that whatever is coming, i can face it head-on. the only gift i can give you, is me living and enjoying life. loving and laughing and moving on.




Today it felt right
So i tried to write
I held my pen,
I count to ten

closing my eyes
the memories rise
making the words flow
letting everything go

like wielding a sword
striking through every word
piercing the hardest of hearts
loving all its shattered parts

each part holds a story
that tells of love
of loss
of triumphs and tribulations

it is all empty now
emotions hollow
the starkness of desire
the heat of the fire

all barren and bare
nothing more to spare
so i laid in wonder
all thoughts asunder


Sophie’s thoughts


i sit and wait
for inspiration
for intervention
for revelation

not seeing
not hearing
not knowing

so i sat some more
waited a little bit more
sighed louder

until the heavens heard
and opened
my mind
my eyes
my soul

for all the while
i was waiting
i was searching
i was praying

it was right in front of me
right before my eyes
standing beside me
holding my hand
never letting go

it was you, my dear
all the while
all along
all of the time……..



Fate did have erroneous sense of humor. What I thought was just an ordinary day turned out to be a lesson that would soon be imbedded in my memory’s canvass forever.
I value myself as someone who is not easily swayed and tempted. I have never once believed that I can become a pawn in the game of love, until I met Angel. Angel is not far from ordinary, in fact, he is your typical boy next door. Never in my wildest dreams have I thought that I could fall for someone like him. He possesses this certain kind of aura, that draws you in. He can be sweet and funny one time, then cold and distant the next. He can melt down your defenses with just one word. He is characterized by an aloof seriousness that seems to tell something about his past, of honesty and responsibility, of gentleness and humility. He is more enigmatic. more male. more determined. He has this overwhelming effect on my senses that evokes feelings and emotions I never imagined having. My time with him, though imperceptible in nature, has been one hell of a ride. He has given me the attention I didn’t know I’ve been missing. He is nothing short of a knight that rescued me from the depths of despair and banished the tears. If words can be lethal, I would’ve died a sweet death. He may have been someone that can destroy my sanity and serenity. He is more methodical than spontaneous, one of his quirks that I found very endearing. Attentive to a fault that he can make you feel that you are the whole universe. He still hasn’t earned his degree, but I believe that he is strong enough and man enough to make it to the real world.
But fate has its own way of showing me that though life can be cozy and drunk most of the time, it  can also become a cold, hard reality on the next.
I couldn’t believe that I have come to care for someone like Angel, I may have been fearless in tempting fate, so now, I have come to pay the price. Angel was the lost story of my youth, of something I can not call mine. You know why? Coz I have already promised my heart to someone else.

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Shut out the light
Remain in the night
Keep the sun from shining
Keep the rain falling
I will shed not a single tear
I will swallow every fear
Stand in the shadows of my past
Let not the light pass

Let forever be a nobody
Let me not see its face
Drown me in your sorrow
I know not about tomorrow
Leave me in the darkness
Spare me not any glances

Never look back
Never stray
The scars of my past
A sorrow that will last
Embedded in the heart
Of a love’s great part

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How do we justify our actions that has been misconstrued as something else other than what we are intending to show?  Is there a way to talk yourself out of that quandary? Better yet, do you need to counter everything with reason? For us, who are more sensitive than others, it’s a blatant denial of the words you uttered and their implications. We may find it degrading to have the need to explain each situation just to clear the misconception. We have perceived things to be the way we’ve shown them. no hidden agendas, no ulterior motives. We get hurt to have been misled, misread and misunderstood.
Pride will make us stay away, retreat, and walk on eggshells everytime. And in every situation, we will think twice on how to act and speak when we’re around you. We will not bother to refute the perceptions, we will simply move away. Don’t patronize us, we will see right through them. Whatever good intentions you have, will leave us in doubt and question our faith. Whatever we have going, will all be wasted, thrown and forgotten.
We will not be looking back, we will nurse our hurts on our own time and move forward. When the time comes that we feel ready to open up again, it will not be with you. You may have become a speck of dust that settled in our eyes but got washed away by the tears. Time will show you what you’ve thrown away, what you’ve missed. But you’ll nevet get it back and the only thing you have left is regrets.

The thing that had us drawn to you, will be the thing that will keep us away. We will not tell you, we will not go back. The remnants of what was once was, will be pushed aside. Kept hidden and forgotten. That part of us you took away, will remain  void and empty. We will not be wasted, we will not be broken. We will not be trampled, we will not shrivel.

We will leave you in the past, a scab on a wound that will eventually heal and disappear.

Loving you


And I love you so
How much, you already know
As far as my soul can reach
Loneliness can never breach

Panning the years
Of happiness and tears
It’s always been you
Who I come home to

Every minute of everyday
Though far and away
In the dark of night
Until the morning light

Ambiguity and clarity
Lunacy and sanity
Of warmth and heat
Down and upbeat

For seeing and being
For my heart sighing
The highs and lows
The promises and vows

Of that which already is
Of that which will always be
Of you and me
Of yesterday and today

And I love you so
How much, you already know
From yesterday til tomorrow
I will be yours
from now
Til forever

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tumblr_nvwzrvFuzM1uh8t7co1_500I have been jolted awake. For a brief moment, I was in a trance. It has been cozy, fuzzy and warm. It was a place where nobody can reach, a state of utter abandonment, a wonderland of highs and lows, of sunshine and rain. I was enraptured, mesmerized, stunned. A momentary feeling of sheer bliss, a fantasy, I weaved around myself. I was on the verge of diving in, of not turning back, of abandoning all scruples and succumbing to the inevitable. Not knowing, just feeling. Like walking on the edge of a cliff with my eyes closed. Then, I was jolted awake. Like glass, the shell I built around myself shattered. The truth I tried hard to suppress was finally revealed. Like a blinding light, images juxtaposed, finally washing away the deception. The scars I covered with fake reality are now making themselves felt. Emotions that once hovered over my psyche are now in place. The unavoidable truth, the persistent aches and the solitary existence, are all that was left.

I was head over heels with love, not, in love. I was deceived by the overwhelming feeling it gave me. It touched the secluded part of me that I have lost and forgotten. It made me remember how it felt to be unbridled, candid and carefree. Of wantonly expressing my thoughts, never doubting, never hesitating. It was beautiful, memorable, indelible. But dreams are all meant to end and now that the reality of my present is here, the happiness though short-lived, was a welcome distraction. Of being able to remember what it was like to be uninhibited and free.

The jolt that awakened my senses is also the jolt that made me lose myself for a while………

If only


I was restless, i was blue
I was lonely, doesn’t even have a clue
I was looking for something new
Then i bumped into you

In a room full of people
Everyone willing to mingle
You stood out in the crowd
I called for you in a voice so loud

You smiled and said hello
So i smiled and gave it a go
We talked for hours on end
Like peas in a pod we blend

Without faces, without traces
We shared woes, we shared praises
Words were all we have to give
Words were enough to live

If only it was true
If only it was you
If only you were here
If only you were near

The words are now unspoken
The bond we shared was broken
The memories have faded
The room is now jaded

One hello was not enough
To last when things get rough
What we shared, how we cared
Are just figments i snared

If only it was real

Then, you would feel

How it is to be shunned

How it is to be stunned

life as i know it


The first taste of defeat. The battle that was not won, full battle gear and armour, clashing head-on. Hopes that were dashed, the future now bleak and hazy.
The first disappointment. Knowing what was bound to happen, but never really got the courage to face.
The first hurdle in the race called life. All efforts and strength were put to waste.
The first gamble. The first throw. The first strike.
Life is a series of firsts. It’s never easy, never cheap. It’s a lesson learned, a blessing and a curse.
It will be cloud nine one time then, hell, the next. It’s sugar candy and roses, and rainbows and sun. Then there’s the storm, the deluge, the hale.
It was never meant to be predictable, never meant to be smooth. Life isn’t life if not for these contradictions. We will not see the beauty of it if we don’t get to see the ugliness, the desolation, the bitterness. These firsts will tell us that we are rough- we need to be polished, we are shapeless- we need to be molded, we are lost- we need to be found.
It is meant to teach, to shape, to strengthen. To turn us into the person we are meant to be. Stronger. Brighter. Better.
Life is a lesson, learn it.
Life is a gift, cherish it.
Life is a blessing, share it.
Life is novel, write it.
You are made to withstand, to weather, to develop, to grow.
Your life is your story. How it will continue, how it will progress is all up to you.
Love life. Live life. Make life.