I am scarred

I've been tossed

I've been pushed

I've been crushed

I've been broken

I got knocked down

I banged my shins

I was hurt

I was wounded

I was gagged

I was bound

My scars are invisible

They're covered in smiles

In laughter and light

They're hidden

Underneath the surface

Beneath a cool exterior

Is a soul that aches

That's hurting

That's thriving

If you can see beyond the superficial

And see a wounded soul

Will you reach out?

Will you hold me close?

Will you ease the pain?

Or

will you turn your back?

A mother’s letter

This is the first time that i really get the chance to say goodbye.
In such a long time, i’ve kept everything inside, not sharing my thoughts, not grieving, not talking. About you, what it felt when i saw the first sign that you are real, that i finally get the chance to nurture another soul, an angel for me and your dad.

the excitement that finally, after a long wait, i get my chance to be a mom. I get to feel what others kept talking about, of what it’s like to grow and care for someone that i helped bring into this world.

But no matter how hard i tried to keep you, how much i truly wanted to fight and be strong and hold on, the odds are against my favor.

Maybe we are not meant to meet yet, maybe, I’m not that ready, maybe i was too afraid, maybe it was my fault.

I struggled for a very long time, i fight the longing, i retreated to myself, succumbed to the doubt. A lot of questions, a lot of pain, a lot of loathing. 

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget. every baby i see, will always bring you back, they will always remind me that once upon a time, i had you, for twelve weeks. the short weeks, i got to experience how it is to expect, to be afraid, to be strong and hold on tightly. So, to you, my baby, my million thanks.
Love,

Mom

10 facts about sophie

1. I am a voracious reader.

reading is my life. Whatever i find interesting, or anything that catches my attention, i take time reading. Novels, essays, self help, advice, horoscopes, facts 

2. I am shy. 

I may come across as a snob or a prude, but im telling you, i am not. I just don’t get close and comfy with people that easily. I have the tendency to wait things out and observe people first, before i open up. And when i do, i do it with a bang. I always want conversations to be light and fun. But i can also be serious when a situation warrants it.

3. I am a homebody.

I prefer alone time rather than parties and gatherings. Although, if i like the company, i can endure for a few hours.

4. I have a tendency to let my mind drift while having a conversation.

When i answer you in monosyllables while conversing, it’s easy to catch me if I’m not listening. Just ask a question that is not answerable by yes or no. You will know it by the way i will answer

5. When giving instructions and i did not answer, it means, i did not hear you.

Especially when you know that i am watching T V. Theres a hundred percent chance that your message did not go through.

6. I am not a morning person.

i am mr. scrooge in the morning. I only get better, once i had my coffee.

7. I am a coffee addict.

anything that has coffee in it, i will not decline. Coffee and me, are meant to be.

8. I am an obssessive-compulsive.

Not that OC, only when it comes to arrangement. My books are arranged per author and alphabetical per title. My clothes are folded according to type, my blouses, separate from tees, and sleeveless shirts and shorts. Clothes hangers are arranged according to type and size.

9. I am a stickler for clean bathrooms.

i find it uneasy and uncomfortable to pee and poop when the water closet is dirty. And i don’t like hair on the drainage drain and hair on soap.
10. I am a very frustrated writer.

I write anything that i am feeling ATM, whether it be about my frustrations, love, my innermost thoughts and anything i had an idea about. This blogsite is proof of my heartfelt attempt at becoming a writer.

These are crazy facts that i know about myself. This is how i see myself and hopefully how other people in my life know me. Take it or leave it……

 #thingsaboutme

This thing called life

wp-1476451955389.jpgLife isn’t life if not for other people. Meeting somebody, anybody or nobody is like adding spice to your lousy days. It’s a roller coaster ride, a series of ups and downs, of loops and circles. It has a funny way of tapping you in the back when things are going nowhere and you are about to lose track.
Looking back, I can say, that I have had one hell of an adventure. My future is becoming less hazy, my past, on the other hand, is a different story.
Friendship is the basic foundation of every relationship. It is an indispensable trait in people. As John Donne once said, “no man is an island.” We all have a jerk in us. The mushy. The nerds. The weirds, although in different degrees. We just can’t help it. Call it human nature, but everyone hates to be alone. We tend to look for ways to meet somebody, talk about life and whatnots, our frustrations, our hang-ups, our happy times. Technology made it even easier, just create an account and viola’! People! Our circles have grown bigger; we can reach people from all walks of life in different parts of the globe that easily. Being ignorant is a far off cry from being innocent. I pride myself from being none of these things and yet, the blunder I committed was one that would be stitched in memory forever.
The belief that I know how to handle myself and that I am infallible, was soon shattered when I gave myself freedom to explore my feelings and be emotionally carefree. Being affable is how I met this somebody who would later on become one of my life’s pretty surprises.
It all started with a simple “hello”, waiting for the person on the other end to answer me back, and he did. We began conversing like we’ve known each other for a long time. The long boring days of being cooped up in the house and the redundancy of office life, turned into something wonderful. The novelty of being wooed, of being needed and looked up to; had me drawn, like a moth to a flame. I have been slowly drifting away from reality and succumbing to new emotions that I am starting to feel. Being alone and depressed, added fuel to the fire and I exploded. What was once harmless became a hazard I cannot evade. I have been fuzzy and drunk, being unable to distinguish black from white, but his aloofness was what jolted me awake.
The furor dwindled and I was pulled back to earth, reality became more vivid, the past, a memory. The feelings I flaunted unabashedly was just the thrill of the chase; unreal, untrue. I was left dumbfounded and bereft. Lost and bewildered, I looked for answers inside of myself. I bide my time, until the shamefulness ebbed. 
The bond we shared that faded with time, rekindled.
He is my twin flame, my long lost friend. Like my soul finally found its mate and decided to use fate to help us find the other. There was nothing we can’t talk about; openly blurting out what was on our minds, no dull moments, no hesitations, no restrictions. There are often times that one of us would say what the other was thinking about or knowing what the other is going through without them even saying so.
He may not be my better half, but for me he is like a best friend, my boy Friday, my alter ego.
Ours may not be a conventional relationship, we may not be together physically, but the friendship that we built, is one that I will cherish and nourish over time.
Life itself is a mystery waiting to be unraveled, a gift that we open everyday, never knowing what’s in store. We forge the chain that binds us with other human beings and we decide whether to break it or make it stronger.

one day

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the gray sky and tranquil morning
the gentle breeze that blows on my skin
like a lover’s whisper

soft. alluring. calm.

i close my eyes. breathe deeply
the music in my ears
humming softly with the song

treading my feet upon the gravel
i count and exhale
all my worries. all my woes

the dawn is breaking
the sky’s getting brighter
i lift my face up
let it be kissed by the sun

a new day is just beginning
to be conquered. to be seized.

i smile. i swagger. i jiggle

feeling confident. feeling proud
i blow a kiss to the cloud

one day over
is one day closer
to the day
i get to see your face
smiling back at me

Blank

Today is a fine day
I sit to write anything nice
I turn around to find you
nowhere there.
everywhere

I stare blankly
sipping my coffee
Feel my brain being anywhere
but here

Jumbled words
empty words
I missed the point
I got messed up

To the vestiges of my amygdala
To the lump of muscle called heart
Celestial yet infernal
nothingness. Aloneness

I turned around
I looked beyond
You’re still nowhere to be found
Like a daydream

I stirred my coffee
I saw my reflection vanish
swirling. spiralling
Out of control

I blinked
I awoke
I saw the void
The blank space

We were’nt anything
But blank spaces
Never seeing
Never meeting

Hollow….
dark….
empty….

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Senseless

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Gracefully adulating with the rhythm, as old as time
Communing with the melody of the soul
Exorcising hurtful thoughts
The heart beats with intense longing
Transcending all other emotions
The world she knew spins ceaselessly into space
Until it stopped.
Cautiously, she whispered
Like the dust, it fell into sullen ground
She wept.
Her tears cascading down like pearls
As hard as rocks but emanates beauty
That only a discerning eye can see
For the world she deemed to love
Refused to shine that beacon of hope
To nurture and to keep
From the caverns of her soul,
she would wait
For that glimmer of hope to appear
Until her psyche leaves her
Out of breath. Out of life.

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A woman’s call

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a companionable silence, 
an air of intense longing, 
an aura of warmth and meek seduction.

I have been waiting for an eternity,
to find what my heart is looking for.
A someone who can bring me to the heights of ecstasy and fulfillment;
a euphoria of unexplainable emotions 
brought about by the aftermath of an interlocking union. 
An exchange of bodily heat and stupor, 
of consummated energy and will.
 
Dazed by what was to become 
an overwhelming mutuality of love and passion.
Of two souls bound as one.
In body.
In mind.
In spirit.

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Misery

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Shut out the light
Remain in the night
Keep the sun from shining
Keep the rain falling
I will shed not a single tear
I will swallow every fear
Stand in the shadows of my past
Let not the light pass

Let forever be a nobody
Let me not see its face
Drown me in your sorrow
I know not about tomorrow
Leave me in the darkness
Spare me not any glances

Never look back
Never stray
The scars of my past
A sorrow that will last
Embedded in the heart
Of a love’s great part

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