to the man who taught me how to love life again

wp-1462363425337.jpgwhen we first met, i was a wreck, bits and pieces of the old me, strewn everywhere. i lost my confidence, my will. i am just going through life routinely, like a mundane task i have to finish everyday. I locked myself in a cage, where nobody can reach. On the outside, it would look like i got myself together, that my pain is gone, and i am moving on. But the past was just hidden from the world, when i am alone with my thoughts, it was like a hole i dug up for myself, and i return to it every time. I was a wreck and nobody notices.   The first time we talked, i was just, okay, he’ll do. you were just somebody to pass the time away with. You were simply that until, i found myself waiting, anticipating our talks, making time for it almost everyday. What was once my pastime, became my happy time, my time to say everything. How i am feeling, how i am seeing myself, what i want, what i am missing. minutes have turned to hours, hours into days, days into weeks and months. you have been the only thing that’s constant in my life, your youthfulness is contagious, your zest, your vitality. you have an innocent way about you that has made me feel youthful and energized. it would have been better, it would have lasted, we would have counted years, but i wore my heart on my sleeve, and you saw through everything. it may not have lasted, it may not have worked out. but you gave me a glimpse of how i can still be happy, how to love myself again, and how to take and face life with a smile. you taught me how to live. you gave me the best gift anyone can ever give and that is yourself. by showing me vulnerability, you taught me courage, by showing me happiness, you taught me to see things in a new light. i may have been nobody in my world, but with you, i feel like  i am somebody.

i have been through the worst and now, i know that whatever is coming, i can face it head-on. the only gift i can give you, is me living and enjoying life. loving and laughing and moving on.

 

imagination

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Today it felt right
So i tried to write
I held my pen,
I count to ten

closing my eyes
the memories rise
making the words flow
letting everything go

like wielding a sword
striking through every word
piercing the hardest of hearts
loving all its shattered parts

each part holds a story
that tells of love
of loss
of triumphs and tribulations

it is all empty now
emotions hollow
the starkness of desire
the heat of the fire

all barren and bare
nothing more to spare
so i laid in wonder
all thoughts asunder

Pia MMXVI

Sophie’s thoughts

looking

i sit and wait
for inspiration
for intervention
for revelation

not seeing
not hearing
not knowing

so i sat some more
waited a little bit more
sighed louder

until the heavens heard
and opened
my mind
my eyes
my soul

for all the while
i was waiting
i was searching
i was praying

it was right in front of me
right before my eyes
standing beside me
holding my hand
never letting go

it was you, my dear
all the while
all along
all of the time……..

Fate

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Fate did have erroneous sense of humor. What I thought was just an ordinary day turned out to be a lesson that would soon be imbedded in my memory’s canvass forever.
I value myself as someone who is not easily swayed and tempted. I have never once believed that I can become a pawn in the game of love, until I met Angel. Angel is not far from ordinary, in fact, he is your typical boy next door. Never in my wildest dreams have I thought that I could fall for someone like him. He possesses this certain kind of aura, that draws you in. He can be sweet and funny one time, then cold and distant the next. He can melt down your defenses with just one word. He is characterized by an aloof seriousness that seems to tell something about his past, of honesty and responsibility, of gentleness and humility. He is more enigmatic. more male. more determined. He has this overwhelming effect on my senses that evokes feelings and emotions I never imagined having. My time with him, though imperceptible in nature, has been one hell of a ride. He has given me the attention I didn’t know I’ve been missing. He is nothing short of a knight that rescued me from the depths of despair and banished the tears. If words can be lethal, I would’ve died a sweet death. He may have been someone that can destroy my sanity and serenity. He is more methodical than spontaneous, one of his quirks that I found very endearing. Attentive to a fault that he can make you feel that you are the whole universe. He still hasn’t earned his degree, but I believe that he is strong enough and man enough to make it to the real world.
But fate has its own way of showing me that though life can be cozy and drunk most of the time, it  can also become a cold, hard reality on the next.
I couldn’t believe that I have come to care for someone like Angel, I may have been fearless in tempting fate, so now, I have come to pay the price. Angel was the lost story of my youth, of something I can not call mine. You know why? Coz I have already promised my heart to someone else.

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Misery

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Shut out the light
Remain in the night
Keep the sun from shining
Keep the rain falling
I will shed not a single tear
I will swallow every fear
Stand in the shadows of my past
Let not the light pass

Let forever be a nobody
Let me not see its face
Drown me in your sorrow
I know not about tomorrow
Leave me in the darkness
Spare me not any glances

Never look back
Never stray
The scars of my past
A sorrow that will last
Embedded in the heart
Of a love’s great part

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Musings

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To have loved and gave without taking anything back, is an utterly foolish thing to do. To give a little or too much of yourself to somebody or anybody that does not want it and was never in need of it, is self destruction.
Unrequited. Unacknowledged. Unknown.
You may see it as love, but the recipient sees it as an opportunity, to use, misuse, abuse. Like a horse with blinders, you only see what is in front of you, docilely following the one that holds the reins, the one that holds your heart.
You tell yourself, it will just be a matter of time. that eventually, they would realize your worth, see your value, reciprocate your love. So you gave until it hurts, leaving nothing but an empty, hollowed shell of the person you once was, of the heart you gave away.
And so you waited. As time passes, you stood your ground, you kept the faith, holding tightly on strings that are about to break. Eventually, you will falter, you will fall. The fall that will break the trance, the fall that will shake you up.Then, everything becomes clearer.
The love you gave away, the heart that was daunted.
you will see it all. Like a movie scene, a vivid picture.
Then you will realize, what you wasted, what you missed. All the qualms, the doubts, will resurface. Choking. Jolting.
Now, its time to see, the destruction, the desolation and the chaos you brought upon yourself. Stand up, stand tall, rise from the ashes. Mend whats broken, recover what’s lost and buried. Be like the phoenix, fiery, stronger and better.
Let your experiences be like rungs of a ladder that will take you higher. Let it lead you to something better, something more beautiful and to something that would last forever.

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