A mother’s letter

This is the first time that i really get the chance to say goodbye.
In such a long time, i’ve kept everything inside, not sharing my thoughts, not grieving, not talking. About you, what it felt when i saw the first sign that you are real, that i finally get the chance to nurture another soul, an angel for me and your dad.

the excitement that finally, after a long wait, i get my chance to be a mom. I get to feel what others kept talking about, of what it’s like to grow and care for someone that i helped bring into this world.

But no matter how hard i tried to keep you, how much i truly wanted to fight and be strong and hold on, the odds are against my favor.

Maybe we are not meant to meet yet, maybe, I’m not that ready, maybe i was too afraid, maybe it was my fault.

I struggled for a very long time, i fight the longing, i retreated to myself, succumbed to the doubt. A lot of questions, a lot of pain, a lot of loathing. 

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget. every baby i see, will always bring you back, they will always remind me that once upon a time, i had you, for twelve weeks. the short weeks, i got to experience how it is to expect, to be afraid, to be strong and hold on tightly. So, to you, my baby, my million thanks.